In the grand tradition of Hollywood adaptations of hot properties coming just after pop culture has already moved on to the next fad; this live-action portrayal of everyone’s favorite havoc-wreaking waterfowl is coming soon! A fast and furious production mounted during the COVID pandemic, featuring Vin Diesel adding to his cadre of uniquely voiced characters in the title role and some of his cast and crew members unfortunate enough to have been quarantined with him following a #FAST9 press event as the hapless people the goose harasses. Yes, he flaps his arms and honks. No, he doesn’t realize “goose” is inherently the female of the species. And maybe, just maybe, this isn’t a scripted adaptation at all and we are just selling you the closed circuit footage from Vin’s estate during the quarantine. Without even realizing it Michelle Rodriguez has given us the most tortured performance of her career in this Asparagoose Cinematic Universe adjacent movie.