In the heart of a chaotic warzone, where battles rage and soldiers fight for survival, there’s one place where sanity still clings on—barely: the mess hall. Welcome to Camp Dishout, a dusty, forgotten base in the middle of nowhere, where the real fight isn’t on the battlefield—it’s in the kitchen. And at the center of it all? Two culinary misfits, Army cooks Sgt. Tony “Spuds” Spadino (Donny Osmond) and Corporal Tina “Sizzle” Petruzzi (Pia Zadora), whose only goal is to feed the troops and stay out of trouble… or, at least, not start too much of it.
Tony “Spuds” Spadino, a former Las Vegas lounge singer with a winning smile and an obsession with potatoes (in every form), has been drafted into the Army’s culinary corps. He sees the war as just another stage where he can perform—this time with a spatula instead of a microphone. He believes the way to soldiers’ hearts is through their stomachs, and that a perfectly crisp potato can boost morale more than any victory on the battlefield.
Meanwhile, Tina “Sizzle” Petruzzi is a fiery Italian bombshell who grew up working in her family’s Brooklyn pizzeria. She’s not thrilled about army life and makes it clear that she’s only here because the judge gave her two choices: jail time or KP duty. She has a temper as hot as her cooking and a knack for turning even the blandest army rations into gourmet dishes—when she’s not setting the kitchen on fire, that is.
When Spuds accidentally adds a secret stash of the Colonel’s personal moonshine to the chili for a visiting general’s banquet, the entire camp (and the general himself) gets hilariously hammered. The resulting chaos includes a drunk talent show where Spuds and Sizzle put on an impromptu lounge act with kitchen utensils, and the general declaring Spuds a war hero—at least until the hangover kicks in. Then,
a rival unit’s top chef, Sergeant Louie “Gravy Train” Gravano, challenges Spuds and Sizzle to an all-out cookoff, with the loser having to peel potatoes for a month. What starts as a friendly contest quickly escalates into a war within the war, complete with sabotaged soufflés, booby-trapped meatloaf, and an explosive pastry mishap that sends dessert flying across the base.
Of course, Spuds and Sizzle, tired of serving mystery meat and powdered eggs, embark on a covert operation behind enemy lines to “liberate” fresh ingredients from a nearby enemy village. Disguised as civilians, they get caught up in a hilarious series of misadventures, including being mistaken for enemy spies, starting an accidental food fight in the local market, and nearly causing an international incident—all for the sake of fresh basil and garlic.
Then, when a handsome, by-the-book officer asks Sizzle out on a date, she’s determined to impress him by cooking a romantic Italian meal. But the kitchen becomes a disaster zone as everything that could possibly go wrong, does—flames, exploding marinara sauce, and a pasta tornado that leaves the entire camp in stitches.
Finally, When a top military inspection team arrives at Camp Dishout for a surprise evaluation, it’s up to Spuds and Sizzle to pull together the greatest meal in army history—or risk the entire camp being shut down and reassigned to latrine duty. With the entire base pitching in, the kitchen transforms into a battlefield of its own, complete with frying pans flying, soldiers chopping like their lives depend on it, and a final dish that’s so perfect it brings the hard-nosed inspectors to tears.
In the end, Spuds and Sizzle prove that, even in the middle of a war, a little heart, humor, and a whole lot of butter can make all the difference.
Here’s hoping not many actual viewers of M*A*S*H get out to the movies these days…