It’s the start of summer in LA and the hottest ticket in town is Danzig’s 69th birthday extravaganza, an occult-leaning bacchanalian he dubs “The Devil’s 69” with only the hottest D and DD-list celebrities and adult stars on the guest list.
When a mysterious cloaked figure appears amid the revelry despite all the attendees already being present and accounted for, Danzig in his altered haze fears that the Reaper may finally be coming for him. He is dismayed to learn the surprise attendee is none other than actor Hugh Jackman, humbly crashing the orgy to bestow a birthday gift in an attempt to bury the hatchet over their beef from decades earlier when Danzig was being considered for the role of Wolverine for the X-Men film before passing on it and later calling the movie shitty and Jackman’s performance ”gay”.
The gift is none other than an old-looking book, itself called “The Devil’s 69”, one whose existence Danzig had known to be rumored but that he could never find for his collection himself.
Danzig immediately excuses himself to pore over the book in his library, and is delighted to find page after page describing sinister sexual acrobatics so beyond the pale that he blushes for the first time this century. He then notices that the illustrations accompanying the descriptions of the depraved acts all seem be between the Devil and someone who bears an uncanny resemblance to him. As the candles in his library begin to go out and red claws emerge from the book to draw him into its pages where he will be trapped as Satan’s power bottom for all eternity he throws up Devil’s horns with his hands one last time while muttering epithets about Hugh Jackman and “that fucking piece of shit Real Steel”.