Teen protagonist Virgil is afflicted with a severe case of acne that doesn’t respond to treatment. Depressed and frustrated, Virgil volunteers at a school for the blind, where he feels less judged and free of the worries of his pizza face. He meets a young woman named Louise who has been blind since birth. As they get to be closer, she asks to feel his face to “see” him. Though hesitant, he agrees. As Louise slowly caresses his face she begins to utter words that Virgil can’t understand. Louise, using braille, has read his acne, and it is sending predictions for the future! When Vigils acne predictions start to come true, the Government wants to harness his face to gain an edge over the Russians. Virgil and Louise escape and a thrilling chase to Witch Mountain ensues. Will they get away? Will the Government take over his face? Have you ever had pizza from Mystic, Connecticut? It’s not all that. Is Barstool Sports CEO Dave Portnoy a douche? One bite, everybody knows the rules. (The answer is yes.)