Now that Black Friday seemingly begins on November 1 and not the day after Thanksgiving the battle for retail and e-commerce dollars is as fierce as it’s ever been!
Next year Amazon is hoping that its large investment in AI developer Anthropic bears fruit by utilizing the massive amounts of consumer data collected over the years to create custom and personalized lists of deals for all of their bargain-hunting customers to boost sales.
Little do they know that the young CEO of Anthropic, Samantha Anthropic, has other plans. While ostensibly a child-prodigy software developer revolutionizing the field of AI, Miss Anthropic is first and foremost an avid candy bar fan, and has been discouraged in the lack of innovation in the sector now that options like protein bars have pushed less healthy choices to the side.
She began to develop a generative AI to try and create the Uber candy bar, but after taking meetings with Hershey, Nestle, and even Cadbury for god’s sake and being laughed out of the rooms
she pivoted and has been assembling an AI powered cyborg army, which she plans to unleash on the public on Cyber Monday. If American culture no longer supports and celebrates stalwarts like Zagnuts, Clark bars, and Oh! Henrys, she reasons, humanity has passed its sell-by date and should be reset.
As the murderous killing machines begin marching across the country the US military finds that spending 2025 rounding up undocumented immigrants have left it ill-prepared for the coordinated menace of the machines, and our hope rests in the hands of a young patisserie fan who was classmates with Samantha in primary school, and who has secretly been trying to developed the perfect candy bar in her honor all these years. Inspired by entremets, he grabs his prototype of his Tempest bar, a mint chocolate mousse base layered with a bergamot and elderflower jelly and enrobed in dark chocolate fashioned in the shape of a tornado funnel, along with a flak jacket, and heads out into the chaos to try and deliver it to Samantha and end the slaughter.
Can love blossom on the battlefield? Have things gotten so petty in this country that wars can be waged over junk food? Will the sharp citrus and floral notes of the Tempest bar clash with the richer chocolaty tones or harmonize beautifully on the palette, melting not in Samantha’s hand but in her heart?